FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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