What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
