I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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