My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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