Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
