ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
