I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
