I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
