Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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