I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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