btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
