Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
