I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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