I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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