i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
