I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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