For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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