$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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