Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
