so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
