Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All I want is dick and wine.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
