tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
