Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
