drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
