Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
All I want is dick and wine.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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