I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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