Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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