well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
