final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
