a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
