i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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