Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
