I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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