true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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