why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
What drink are we having for lunch?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
