someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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