Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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