WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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