she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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