We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
