All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
