you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
