he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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