It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
