i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
