Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
