proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
