And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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