Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm just crazy horny about you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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