you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
