there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
